A Humorous Take On Owning A Timber Merchants
The below is a humorous take on owning and running a timber merchants. We love all our customers; orders big and small we welcome them all. Nothing is every to much trouble to us and we love helping you get what you need. Enjoy the read its not a true reflection on us here at Egerton’s but you may be game for a laugh so read on.
Owning a Timber Merchant: Where the Planks Are Large, the Math Is Fuzzy, and the Delays are not always in our control.
Running a timber merchant business is like starring in a mix of Home Improvement and Survivor. On any given day, someone’s asking for "just a bit more wood than last time"—like we’re running a timber buffet. Meanwhile, I’m out here doing mental gymnastics, helping them figure out how much timber they actually need. Spoiler alert: the answer is never, ever what they think.
You never know what your day is going to look like—one minute you’re debating the merits of oak vs. pine with someone who believes themselves to be the next IKEA, and the next you’re helping a guy trying to build a shed who looks like he’s never even seen a hammer before.
Customers walk in with grand ideas—cabins, decks, even pirate ships—and then proceed to give me the most confusing dimensions possible whilst mixing togther imperial and metric measurements. “So, I need wood for a 16ft-by-7-meter shed… but, like, not exactly, because I’m thinking of making it bigger, and also smaller… oh, and I want it tall, but not too tall.”
Cue the math lesson. Suddenly, I’m back in school, working out square meters, board lengths, and the magical "what-if" scenarios. "How many planks do you need? Let’s figure it out together—because trust me, eyeballing it never works when you're halfway through building a fence." Of course, we’ll always throw in an extra plank or two, because we both know someone’s going to cut something wrong!
And let’s talk about pricing for a minute. Listen, our prices are already the best. Seriously. You don’t need to come in and practice your haggling skills. We’ve crunched the numbers, and the price you see is the best deal you’re going to get—so save the bargaining energy for that trip to Marrakesh or use it to carry your delivery around to the back garden. Your wallet and your back will thank you. Every day, someone will ask, "Can I get a discount? I’m building a treehouse for my dog’s birthday." And I think, wow, even the pets have fancier housing than I do.
But the real joy? The delays. Oh, the delays. We’ve got timber arriving from all over, but when a shipment’s late, it’s like waiting for a rare eclipse. Somewhere out there is a container ship with a fresh supply of someone’s dream deck, probably stuck in a port, lost at sea, or delayed by a customs agent who’s decided to take a tea break. At least the two weeks covid isolation saga has ended.
And when the timber finally arrives, the offloading adventure begins. Massive trucks try to squeeze down streets that weren’t built for them, blocked by cars both sides. Telling us ‘the bin wagon gets down’ isn’t quite going to cut it compared to a delivery wagon. Then there is the request for a crane offload, but Dave the next door neighbour’s car is blocking the support legs from extending.
Even when everything is on time, you can’t escape the weather. A sunny day on delivery day? Unheard of. It’s always a downpour, so by the time your wood gets there, you’re lucky it’s not soggy enough to build a boat instead of a deck. But this is a good day compared to the timber being frozen solid into one large mass in the yard.
Despite all that, there’s something deeply satisfying about watching people leave with the exact amount of timber they need (after a little math help, of course), knowing they’re off to build something amazing—whether it’s a beautiful home or, you know, a dog mansion.
So yeah, owning a timber yard is part math tutor, part logistics coordinator, and all patience. If you ever need help figuring out how many planks you need, come see me—I promise it’ll only takes a few minutes, a calculator, and maybe a cup of tea!
